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Things that make you want to punch people in the face…

…Since I’ve been away I felt this would make people laugh and de-stress their Monday at work.  Please Enjoy.

  • Women w/ too tight stretch pants and show a camel toe so outrageous it should really be called a “Mooseknuckle.”
  • People in line for 20 mins and don’t have their order ready and their money out; I mean my gawd – how many times have I seen you here at ____________________ (insert deli/bodega/restaurant name here).
  • You are not wearing a hard hat. There are no construction Foremans looking for YOU. If you had an important job to do somewhere, you wouldn’t be here annoying me and everybody else. Get OFF the damn walkie-talkie inspired phone. Dumbass…
  • Women at the bar who smile in your face and talk about you (in spanish) once they’ve given their drink order and then turn red with embarrassment and fright when you give them their change back while asking them (in spanish) if they’d like anything else… {Actually I kinda like this; it’s funny to me…}
  • One word: Crocs.
  • Hypersensitive people that act like if you tell them the truth about something that has to be said you’re a son of a bitch. Chill the fuck out.  It is NOT that serious.
  • Irresponsible breeders (of the human kind…)
  • People in front of me online at the coffee shop that don’t know what the hell they want.  It’s coffee.  You’re in your 30’s; is this your first day on planet earth?  Get your coffee and get the *F* outta my way. Please.
  • People who talk about REALLY personal stuff on line @ places.
  • Chicken-headed-hoodrats with annoying RADIO ringtones. You don’t have money for a POST paid phone but you have $$$ for ringtones? Really?
  • Chronic Misspellings.
  • Women who spend money on their hair and nails and their children look like refugees from some 3rd world country. Get your priorities straight, douche bag.
  • People who turn into Phone DJs on the train/on line. No one asked you to play that 30 second blip of Lady Ga-Ga and Mr. 305 over and over and OVER again. Asshole.
  • People who don’t wash their hands in the bathroom and then look at me in horror as they get ready to leave the restroom as I say; “um, aren’t you forgetting something?…”
  • People who just want to add me to invite me to events and NEVER once send me a “Hello!” or anything of substance.
  • Fucked up french fries; you’re fired!
  • Women who wear open toed heels and they have jacked up feet and crusty heels.
  • Chronic name droppers who have to mention who they know in some city/music group/etc or elsewhere for that matter.
  • Miley Cyrus & the Jonas brothers gear/commercials
  • Co-workers who are the last to arrive to help set up the bar and the first ones to count their tip jar, barely clean up and one of the first ones to bounce. You tend bar, although not very good, you CAN NOT leave when the crowd leaves. Dumbass douche bag.
  • People who can cuss like a sailor but the words “please” and “thank you” are no where to be found in their vocab…
  • People with horrendous B.O. and bad breath that insist on trying to come right up on you for an up close and personal conversation.
  • People who grunt at the gym although not lifting much. People who do more walking/gawking around the gym than working out. If you had sweat in your eyes maybe you’d do what you were here to do…
  • Fake Bitches of the male & female variety.
  • Vegetarians who try to make me feel bad for enjoying a big ass tasty hamburger. Get over yourself.
  • Women at the bar who give me an attitude due to my “youthful” appearance. I know how to make your White Russian, I’m over 21; and if you were a real woman with your own bread, you wouldn’t have to wait for this guido next to you to buy you a drink…
  • Women who don’t wash; if I can smell your p***y from BEHIND the bar… HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM! You are burning my nose hairs and making my patrons uncomfortable. Weren’t you taught any better? Go wash your snatch before coming in here…
  • People who say to me, “you’re putting ketchup on THAT?” (Eggs, mac-n-cheese, etc.) Go fuck yourself and get away from my plate.

These are my opinions. Short or long, feel free to add your own here. Please.  Thank you.

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About Tales from the Bar Side

Tales from the Bar Side: Lady who tends bar at brick and mortar bars and in private pour practice events.

4 responses to “Things that make you want to punch people in the face…

  1. Noemi ⋅

    This is required reading for early in the week when you want to kill the lazy bitches in your offices. Thank you I needed this read. I’m putting you on my rss reader.

  2. Nana ⋅

    I, personally want to roundhouse-kick people in the face who:

    -Cut me dirty looks for being even mildly affectionate in public. Stop giving me the side eye just because you’re not getting any dick tonight you hating ass bitch.

    -Complain about how incredibly gorgeous they are and how they are constantly hit on by men on the street. You have titties ho, THAT’s the only requirement for harassment in this town. You’re not that fine so please, get over yourself.

    – Linger at their dinner table long after their meal/drinks are done and other folks are waiting. THIS SHIT IS SO RUDE. You’ve been here for 3 hours, trick. You don’t have but a sip of wine left in your damn glass, please finish it so that myself and the other 50 people waiting can be seated.

  3. Ellia ⋅

    1. really old virgins-being in your 30s and a virgin–will make you CRAZY–please get laid already so you can stop being so weird and tense and angry. lack of sex has made you insane. please make use of the numerous bars in the city and get yourself a piece of ass.
    2. my job in combination of the bad economy. small company + shitty job market should not equal slave labor for all! (but it kind of does, and it sucks)
    3. married, pregnant friends who think everyone else in the world should likewise be married and pregnant. that’s the only logical path to true happiness, of course. if i ever want to move to suburbia and be in bed asleep by 9:30pm, I’ll move in with my grandma.
    4. friends who don’t understand how to be on time. ever.

    thunderstorms that only last a couple of seconds. it’s a real letdown.

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