Miss China’s Kooky Cosmopolitan Cocktail

Since Vodka is Bartender 608’s February Spirit of the Month, I figured I’d place this on for this weeks Drink of the Week.

The Cosmopolitan (The Cosmo.)

The Cosmopolitan hit the scene in the mid to late 1970’s. The locations, origins and variations of the drink have been linked to:

Manhattan, Florida, Minnesota and San Francisco

Although this is a pink drink it can be and is a serious cocktail…

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First, chill your cocktail glass(es) by stowing them in the freezer or by filling it with ice cubes and setting them aside while you prepare The Drink. Choose an above the bottom shelf vodka.  Not every “good cocktail” must have top shelf spirits like Belvidere, Goose or Ketel One, (let’s face it, sometimes it just isn’t in the monthly/weekly budget) but something mid-range like, Svedka, Smirnoff or Stoli is just fine.

Once you’ve selected your vodka, it’s time to grab your Triple Sec.  Again, if you can’t manage to get your hands on Grand Marnier or Cointreau, regular simple Triple Sec will do but, don’t overdo it…

When possible, use fresh lime juice instead of (my favorite) Rose’s lime juice.  Why?  You won’t need the additional sugar that comes with the Roses.

So, now that we’re ready, let’s go!

Miss China’s Kooky Cosmopolitan

One pint glass filled 1/2 with cracked ice
4 oz.  Citrus Vodka
2 oz.  Triple Sec
1 oz.  Fresh Lime Juice
1 Drop of Vanilla Extract
QUICK SPLASH of Red Cranberry Juice

Add all of the above to the pint glass, top with a Boston shaker and shake all ingredients for 7 – 15 seconds.  Just enough to chill and combine all the flavors.

Strain and pour the Kooky Cosmopolitan into your two (2) frosty/chilled cocktail glass; garnish with three (3) thin lime wedges.
Over 21?  Enjoy your non-girly, full flavored martini…

~Miss China Moon

Bartender 608 for Hire

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Things that make you want to punch people in the face…

…Since I’ve been away I felt this would make people laugh and de-stress their Monday at work.  Please Enjoy.

  • Women w/ too tight stretch pants and show a camel toe so outrageous it should really be called a “Mooseknuckle.”
  • People in line for 20 mins and don’t have their order ready and their money out; I mean my gawd – how many times have I seen you here at ____________________ (insert deli/bodega/restaurant name here).
  • You are not wearing a hard hat. There are no construction Foremans looking for YOU. If you had an important job to do somewhere, you wouldn’t be here annoying me and everybody else. Get OFF the damn walkie-talkie inspired phone. Dumbass…
  • Women at the bar who smile in your face and talk about you (in spanish) once they’ve given their drink order and then turn red with embarrassment and fright when you give them their change back while asking them (in spanish) if they’d like anything else… {Actually I kinda like this; it’s funny to me…}
  • One word: Crocs.
  • Hypersensitive people that act like if you tell them the truth about something that has to be said you’re a son of a bitch. Chill the fuck out.  It is NOT that serious.
  • Irresponsible breeders (of the human kind…)
  • People in front of me online at the coffee shop that don’t know what the hell they want.  It’s coffee.  You’re in your 30’s; is this your first day on planet earth?  Get your coffee and get the *F* outta my way. Please.
  • People who talk about REALLY personal stuff on line @ places.
  • Chicken-headed-hoodrats with annoying RADIO ringtones. You don’t have money for a POST paid phone but you have $$$ for ringtones? Really?
  • Chronic Misspellings.
  • Women who spend money on their hair and nails and their children look like refugees from some 3rd world country. Get your priorities straight, douche bag.
  • People who turn into Phone DJs on the train/on line. No one asked you to play that 30 second blip of Lady Ga-Ga and Mr. 305 over and over and OVER again. Asshole.
  • People who don’t wash their hands in the bathroom and then look at me in horror as they get ready to leave the restroom as I say; “um, aren’t you forgetting something?…”
  • People who just want to add me to invite me to events and NEVER once send me a “Hello!” or anything of substance.
  • Fucked up french fries; you’re fired!
  • Women who wear open toed heels and they have jacked up feet and crusty heels.
  • Chronic name droppers who have to mention who they know in some city/music group/etc or elsewhere for that matter.
  • Miley Cyrus & the Jonas brothers gear/commercials
  • Co-workers who are the last to arrive to help set up the bar and the first ones to count their tip jar, barely clean up and one of the first ones to bounce. You tend bar, although not very good, you CAN NOT leave when the crowd leaves. Dumbass douche bag.
  • People who can cuss like a sailor but the words “please” and “thank you” are no where to be found in their vocab…
  • People with horrendous B.O. and bad breath that insist on trying to come right up on you for an up close and personal conversation.
  • People who grunt at the gym although not lifting much. People who do more walking/gawking around the gym than working out. If you had sweat in your eyes maybe you’d do what you were here to do…
  • Fake Bitches of the male & female variety.
  • Vegetarians who try to make me feel bad for enjoying a big ass tasty hamburger. Get over yourself.
  • Women at the bar who give me an attitude due to my “youthful” appearance. I know how to make your White Russian, I’m over 21; and if you were a real woman with your own bread, you wouldn’t have to wait for this guido next to you to buy you a drink…
  • Women who don’t wash; if I can smell your p***y from BEHIND the bar… HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM! You are burning my nose hairs and making my patrons uncomfortable. Weren’t you taught any better? Go wash your snatch before coming in here…
  • People who say to me, “you’re putting ketchup on THAT?” (Eggs, mac-n-cheese, etc.) Go fuck yourself and get away from my plate.

These are my opinions. Short or long, feel free to add your own here. Please.  Thank you.

Sticky Floors as gooey as a movie theatre and a teenage boys magazine stash

You’re drinking; okay.  You’re flirting; fine by me.  You’re dancing and enjoying the music; fuckin’ fan-tab-u-lous.  You’re past tipsy but not quite wasted; I’ll call you a cab if need be.  But why oh WHY do females feel the need to take their shoes off in a bar.  A BAR.  Do you know what’s on the floor in here?  I know what’s lurking back here before we clean up @ night but my goodness…

Chicken wings, fry wedges, GLASS, spills, VOMIT, cigarettes and other QUESTIONABLE LIQUIDS.  That’s just nasty.  If your feet hurt, cop a squat or bring flats in those big ASS purses y’all bring to the place (which I also wonder why THAT is, but I digress…)

It’s nasty; don’t you have any home training?

Hell-o-ween Dress Unrest

Halloween.  Time to dress up.  Or down.  Or in most cases for the women, undress.

It was a slow night and conversation sparse, but one in particular took place that sounded way to familiar.  Dialogue that takes place every year about this time.  Freak Fest, Ahoy!

To make a long story not so long, a group of Valley Girls were talkin ’bout who they were going as this year.

Why do chicks always make such a big deal about the little dental floss costume they’re going to wear this year.  We need to rename Halloween, “Closet Whore Admiration Day.”  Oh c’mon, that’s all it is people; and you know it.  A lady in the living room and a whore in the bedroom.  It’s 2008 and by peoples behavior in the bar, they, well, let’s just say nothing’s forbidden anymore it seems.

I wish bitches quit being insecure about shit.  If you like dick (or clits if the case may be) just be you; don’t have a ‘holiday’ be your excuse to dress down.  If you feel comfortable dressing a certain way then let you be you.

It’s like people who always have sex in the bedroom and no other room in the house.  Once a month.  In the same position.  In under 20 minutes.

…or less.

Chickies, stop making excuses for wearing th fishnets and micro mini skirt or the ass-less chaps.  If you aren’t comfortable with YOU, you may as well toss in the towel right now.

Whether you go home alone and wash your face of make-up or home with a partner and your “clothes” end up on the floor like a prom dress and you’re face down ass up – dress the way YOU want to dress and do it smartly.

Please.

…and Thank You.

P.S.  On the same note, please ladies be FRIGGIN’ SMART when you’re out.


  • DO NOT Drink beyond comprehension.

Watch you ass because not all your ‘friends’ are good friends.

Pick your Poison

Yes, we know there are 50 different types of drinks on the planet you originated (or wherever city you come from) but here is a list of every possible drink we’ve been asked for while bar tending (regularly):

…and those of you who roll your eyes when we don’t know what something is – RELAX.  Just tell us what’s in it and 10 chance to 1 we can make it happen for you.  No worries…

cocktails

spiffy cocktails

Vodka Martini
Dry Martini
Perfect Martini
Dirty Martini
Gibson
Gin Martini
Manhattan
Rob Roy
Cosmopolitan
Lemon Drop
Apple Martini or Apple-Tini
Adios Mother Fucker (AMF)

7 & Seven
Long Island Ice Tea
Cape Cod (Coder)
Screwdriver
Fuzzy Navel
Sex on the Beach
Bloody Mary
Bay Breeze
Sea Breeze
Madras
Margarita
Cadillac Margarita
Mai Tai
Tom Collins
Joe Collins
Vodka Collins
Greyhound/Salty Dog
Scotch and Soda
Cuba Libre (Rum & Coke)

Mojito
Mimosa
Gin and Tonic
Jack and Coke
Tequila Sunrise
Whiskey and Soda
Old Fashioned (Sweet or Sour)
Whiskey & Water
White Russian
Shirley Temple
Roy Rogers
Arnold Palmer
Tequila Shot
Kamikaze
Knock Me Down and Fuck Me
Surfer on Acid
Wet Pussy
Blowjob
B-52
Jager-bomb
Boiler Maker
Woo Woo
Washington Apple
Reggae Rainbow
So-Co & Lime
Lemon Drop Shot
Strawberry Daiquiri
Margarita
Chi Chi
Strawberry Margarita
Pina Colada