Bar Chanx

Why do people think wearing chancletas* to the bar is okay?  I mean, even if it’s not ‘club night’ at the local watering hole chanx are for the beach, running to the bodega right quick, dancing in the street at block parties or, for Bohemian band members.  *smirk*

*chancletas = A word for flip flops or other type of slip on, inexpensive sandal.

My thoughts on any given weekend night working in WI

  • “Hmmm, she REALLY needs to get those roots done.”
  • “Wow, she said thank you!”
  • “Damn, he’s tall.”
  • “DAMN!  He’s short!”
  • “I need 2 Advil liqui-gels…”
  • “That walk-by-farting was un-called for.”
  • “Some bad friend of hers lied to her and said, ‘girl you look good in those – wear THAT!'”
  • “Oh that couple will make a good post later on tonight…”
  • “Please stop kissing @ my bar for 20 consecutive minutes – her lungs need air and my customers need vodka with their olives…”

Friday Night Fights

Being a Bartender like other blue collar Public Service positions, you see people you want to see and then, you see people you DON’T want to see.

Like your regulars who you not only like because they order good quality cocktails and tip well, but, they are actually refreshing to see week after week – after week.  They acknowledge and respect you and look forward to seeing  you just as much as you them.

Then, there are those you see who you have to carry on with your job as if they’re anyone else.  But they’re not.  For example, for the past 2 months a man has come into my bar once a week.  But this man is different – about 12 years ago this man walked in on me being sexually assaulted.  And stayed and watched.

He speaks to me as if I’ve forgotten this; he smiles and tries to shake my hand and smooze with me.  I serve him and his cronies their drinks and he leaves his tip.  He continues to try and speak to me but I’m not trying to hear anything this pendejo has to say except his drink order.

This piece of shit makes my skin crawl.

Ugh.

That is so NOT cute

Spring is in the air; and while everyone is not a size 2; ladies…  Please; wear your size; not your girlfriends size or what you THINK is her size but your own size.  We are tired of seeing chicks come in here with stomachs bigger than their asses.

big girl spilling out her top at the bar

big girl spilling out her top at the bar

…That’s what cinchers and girdles are made for – it’s 2010, not the 60’s where all big girls had available to wear were ‘mu-mu’s’.  The internet and Lane Bryant are made for You AND Me.

Please stop coming into my bar a gyrating all over the ignorant Black guys that you think are so wonderful with their bad attitudes, over sized night gown t-shirts and pocketful of sneaker money.

Just stop it.  It’s not cute.

*bam-bam-bam* Excuse me; can I get some service?!?

I want to take this time to say Thank You to my loyal patrons and customers who thoroughly enjoy my cocktails, talking with me, and coming into this establishment.  It’s great to have an adult conversation with an adult and to see your smiling faces when you approach the bar for your favorite relaxing beverage (be it cocktail or mocktail) I appreciate you.

Now having said that; there are those times when the people who come through the door are the complete opposite.

Look, I get it.  I was in my 20’s once; I’ve been there although not to the extent some of you take it.

It’s Friday or Saturday night; you’re with your buddies/girlfriends; and, it’s been a long week.  Time to relax, get ripped or fucked up.  Really, I get it.

I see you. I know you see that I see you.  You’re here EVERY week but you’ve learned nothing.  So let me give you a few hints NYU and UW-Madison college students that will make you better bar customers until you grow and learn how to handle your liquor…

  • You order the SAME beer/drink EVERY week.  You already KNOW the price – so quit asking us “how much is it?” when we bring you all your orders.  It’s $6 and you ordered 5; aren’t you a math major? (So good to see tax dollars at work…)
  • Stop leaving us coinage on the bar without folding money.  If you ordered 5 drinks, $1.50 in quarters left on the bar will definitely ensure you wait an extra 20 for your next drink when you return up to us.
  • *bam-bam-bam*  “Excuse me; can I get some service?!?”  Do we come to your job, scream at you, call you names and slam our hands (repeatedly) on your desk to get your attention?  Then don’t do it here.
  • Eye contact.  If we give it to you and you return it that means you’re ready to order.  You’re ENTIRE party is ready to order and NOBODY has to turn around a scream, “hey Becky, what’d you want again?”
  • Money.  Dinero.  Cheddar.  Whatever you call it, have it ready, waiting and in your hand.  Don’t know how much it costs? Have extra ready just in case.  This what us Bartender don’t understand, you all get angry when we ‘take too long’ but you all do the same damn thing.  We take your order, prepare it, give you a bev nap or coaster and set it in front of you, and only THEN do you decide to dig in your wallet/big ass purse for the cash.
  • When you’re at the drive thru at McDonald’s or Wendy’s or White Castle and you order your food, you proceed to Window #1 to pay and Window #2 for the order.  Same concept applies here.  When your order is taken, give us the full order and when we come back – pay us.  Do NOT proceed to continue to add on drinks when we come back with your order or change – by bar law when people are waiting YOU now have to wait your turn once again.
  • What’s that?  You say you’ve been waiting 15 minutes for a couple of drinks?  Let’s assess the situation…  Did you have your order ready last time?  Were you boisterous and obnoxious about the rail/well drink special you complained wasn’t strong enough?  Did you tip?

Reflect on that…

Last Call

…and I thought nothing was going to happen tonight worth writing about.

We love business.  Any GOOD business.  But; why do people come in at/near closing time, lolly-gagging, order a drink and proceed to nurse it for an hour?

I’m all for sipping good spirits but c’mon.  I mean, really?

It’d be different if you were keeping me here and earning the bar AND I some ends – but no, the three (3) of you are just sitting here, laughing talking about some broad outside while I’m waiting to close up – there are other bars on the block open later.  I just want you to know that.

I know it’s not your fault I have menstrual cramps but I do and I’d REALLY like to go home and that 25 minute train ride is gonna feel like 125 minutes the way I’m feeling right now for every second you all stay here.

Please leave so I can put up the damn bar stools and lock up.

Thank you.