*bam-bam-bam* Excuse me; can I get some service?!?

I want to take this time to say Thank You to my loyal patrons and customers who thoroughly enjoy my cocktails, talking with me, and coming into this establishment.  It’s great to have an adult conversation with an adult and to see your smiling faces when you approach the bar for your favorite relaxing beverage (be it cocktail or mocktail) I appreciate you.

Now having said that; there are those times when the people who come through the door are the complete opposite.

Look, I get it.  I was in my 20’s once; I’ve been there although not to the extent some of you take it.

It’s Friday or Saturday night; you’re with your buddies/girlfriends; and, it’s been a long week.  Time to relax, get ripped or fucked up.  Really, I get it.

I see you. I know you see that I see you.  You’re here EVERY week but you’ve learned nothing.  So let me give you a few hints NYU and UW-Madison college students that will make you better bar customers until you grow and learn how to handle your liquor…

  • You order the SAME beer/drink EVERY week.  You already KNOW the price – so quit asking us “how much is it?” when we bring you all your orders.  It’s $6 and you ordered 5; aren’t you a math major? (So good to see tax dollars at work…)
  • Stop leaving us coinage on the bar without folding money.  If you ordered 5 drinks, $1.50 in quarters left on the bar will definitely ensure you wait an extra 20 for your next drink when you return up to us.
  • *bam-bam-bam*  “Excuse me; can I get some service?!?”  Do we come to your job, scream at you, call you names and slam our hands (repeatedly) on your desk to get your attention?  Then don’t do it here.
  • Eye contact.  If we give it to you and you return it that means you’re ready to order.  You’re ENTIRE party is ready to order and NOBODY has to turn around a scream, “hey Becky, what’d you want again?”
  • Money.  Dinero.  Cheddar.  Whatever you call it, have it ready, waiting and in your hand.  Don’t know how much it costs? Have extra ready just in case.  This what us Bartender don’t understand, you all get angry when we ‘take too long’ but you all do the same damn thing.  We take your order, prepare it, give you a bev nap or coaster and set it in front of you, and only THEN do you decide to dig in your wallet/big ass purse for the cash.
  • When you’re at the drive thru at McDonald’s or Wendy’s or White Castle and you order your food, you proceed to Window #1 to pay and Window #2 for the order.  Same concept applies here.  When your order is taken, give us the full order and when we come back – pay us.  Do NOT proceed to continue to add on drinks when we come back with your order or change – by bar law when people are waiting YOU now have to wait your turn once again.
  • What’s that?  You say you’ve been waiting 15 minutes for a couple of drinks?  Let’s assess the situation…  Did you have your order ready last time?  Were you boisterous and obnoxious about the rail/well drink special you complained wasn’t strong enough?  Did you tip?

Reflect on that…

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Last Call

…and I thought nothing was going to happen tonight worth writing about.

We love business.  Any GOOD business.  But; why do people come in at/near closing time, lolly-gagging, order a drink and proceed to nurse it for an hour?

I’m all for sipping good spirits but c’mon.  I mean, really?

It’d be different if you were keeping me here and earning the bar AND I some ends – but no, the three (3) of you are just sitting here, laughing talking about some broad outside while I’m waiting to close up – there are other bars on the block open later.  I just want you to know that.

I know it’s not your fault I have menstrual cramps but I do and I’d REALLY like to go home and that 25 minute train ride is gonna feel like 125 minutes the way I’m feeling right now for every second you all stay here.

Please leave so I can put up the damn bar stools and lock up.

Thank you.

Uh Bartender, my drink has too much flavor

Just when I thought I’d had customers figured out; they say something like:

“Are you sure this is Bud Light?  It seems to have too much flavor…”

I check the tap and re-pour him another, in a tasting glass.  His face scrunches up and he has all FOUR (4) of his friends take a sip.  They think its fine but he says, “yeah, it still tastes funny to me.  It feels like it has too much flavor.  I’ll just have a Corona.”

You can’t make this shit up.

Maybe some people should just drink better beer…

A Persian, an Ecuadorian and a Drag Queen walk into a bar…

Fellow Bar Keeps…

Ever have a day, a week, a month, even more go by great at work and then things start heading downhill because you don’t “fit the mold” of the other bar personnel?

Yeah, me neither…  But, if I did (hypothetically speaking) it may go something like this:

You help out the owners and managers  starting out and then they start letting people go at their every whim and talking about them at every waking moment and in every managers meeting.  Then we’ll promote those who spread their legs and do you ‘favors’ (male and female).  Grow up, right?

Of course not; so, we’d start letting one of the managers, (we’ll call her Pera K. just for namesake) splurge and collect salary pay and hourly pay w/ tips of course by sticking those they don’t like on shitty day shifts, every day and taking all of the regular good shifts Wednesdays – Sundays.  And, in celebration of that, she’ll get stinking drunk and call the colored workers stuck up niggers while she passes out and has to be carried out of the bar on the backs of two employees.  It’s her day off but pshhhh, WHAT THE HELL!  There’s no need to show a little reserve within ones place of business even if we’re in charge…

Next, we have a gent who’s kinda nice but, not a strong night bar man, we’ll call him  Six-Four.  He receives a ticket at his other place of bar business for serving an underager beer/liquor and gets a pink slip.  He comes in and gets wasted with Pera K. and most of the other off duty supers.  The next week, he has a strong arm shift after hob-nobbing.  Hmmm…  Six Four must live up to his name in another dept huh?…

Moving onto a supervisor who seems friendly; he speaks but tells horrible jokes.  You chuckle anyway as to be light-hearted; his name is Noni Burma.  A supervisor he is; doesn’t get invited to half of the managers meetings, takes racist comments from one of the owners and tells the staff what he doesn’t like (constantly) about the owners, other supers and certain staff.  Yet, he doesn’t speak up.  I guess its okay to be a pussy and not speak up for yourself in an economy such as this; I mean hey, who needs self respect when you’ve got a family at home and a boss who doesn’t realize he’s going to be bankrupt in under 5 years because his club bartenders are taking at least 5 shots an hour from 9pm til past closing…  Ahh well.

Then there’s Ricardo Amante.  Ricardo runs security and manages the bar.  You can’t miss him; he’s the stocky Latino who tends to be followed by what I call the Blond Brigade.  Never a shortage of them around; as long as there’s  Latino and Black men along with free liquor, you can be sure to find these tricks sniffing around someones nut sack.

Moving on, let’s name some more of the things that are serious no-no’s that are always going to take place:

  • You come in to your shift 20 mins. late and immediately get on your cell phone for the next 10 mins. to “help drum up some business by calling my friends”
  • You pull a NCNS* (twice) togo to a basketball games and wonder why others are giving you that “funky” look.
  • You’re constantly 15 mins. late because you are not getting along with your spouse/significant other and feel the need to have a ‘talk’ right before work.
  • You can’t take out trash or get ice because that’s not “your  job”
  • You don’t rotate product when restocking because that would require kneeling down on an ‘icky’ floor
  • You leave empty liquor bottles on the shelf so when the next shift’s BT grabs it they have to find the backup
  • You are OBLIVIOUS  to the 6 people that have been sitting in the stools next to your 2 girl/guy friends because you think that your friends will tip you better on the $10 tab you’ve given them than whatever the 6 ppl  can possibly muster up
  • You run your fingers through your hair, play with your teeth and then make a drink grabbing the drinking edge and squeezing a lime into rum and coke because you think “you’re clean”
  • You make a White Russian in this order: kahlua, layer it with half and half, then layer that with vodka, because ‘that’s the recipe’
  • You think that ‘a little bit of brown on the edges of your lime wedges is fine- after all, they’re still mostly green’
  • You refill your speed pourers daily with new on top of old and only wash them when they ‘look dirty’
  • You rinse EVERYTHING in cold water because your fingers are too sensitive and it’s the same as hot anyway
  • You don’t understand why a dull knife is actually more dangerous than a sharp one
  • You get stinking drunk after your shift and laugh as you fall off your bar stool all the while proclaiming loudly, I CAN’T AFFORD TO DRINK HERE AFTER WORK, WHOO HOO!!!!
  • You constantly butt in on your coworker’s regulars.
  • You’re the bars General Manager and you do so much coke in the other bathroom you have NO idea what’s going on until two-week later.
  • You regularly serve drinks in glasses with lipstick marks on them because you don’t do a thorough job washing glasses, and don’t check the glass before making drinks

These are all possibly true and can happen in any bar; anywhere.

The No.1 sign of a bad bartender out of all of them would be if you see any of your fellow bartenders committing any of the above you do nothing.

The No.1 sign of a good bartender out of all of them?  Seeing any of the following and saying something about it and getting written up for bringing things to that persons attention…

*No Call, No Show

Sticky Floors as gooey as a movie theatre and a teenage boys magazine stash

You’re drinking; okay.  You’re flirting; fine by me.  You’re dancing and enjoying the music; fuckin’ fan-tab-u-lous.  You’re past tipsy but not quite wasted; I’ll call you a cab if need be.  But why oh WHY do females feel the need to take their shoes off in a bar.  A BAR.  Do you know what’s on the floor in here?  I know what’s lurking back here before we clean up @ night but my goodness…

Chicken wings, fry wedges, GLASS, spills, VOMIT, cigarettes and other QUESTIONABLE LIQUIDS.  That’s just nasty.  If your feet hurt, cop a squat or bring flats in those big ASS purses y’all bring to the place (which I also wonder why THAT is, but I digress…)

It’s nasty; don’t you have any home training?

Hell-o-ween Dress Unrest

Halloween.  Time to dress up.  Or down.  Or in most cases for the women, undress.

It was a slow night and conversation sparse, but one in particular took place that sounded way to familiar.  Dialogue that takes place every year about this time.  Freak Fest, Ahoy!

To make a long story not so long, a group of Valley Girls were talkin ’bout who they were going as this year.

Why do chicks always make such a big deal about the little dental floss costume they’re going to wear this year.  We need to rename Halloween, “Closet Whore Admiration Day.”  Oh c’mon, that’s all it is people; and you know it.  A lady in the living room and a whore in the bedroom.  It’s 2008 and by peoples behavior in the bar, they, well, let’s just say nothing’s forbidden anymore it seems.

I wish bitches quit being insecure about shit.  If you like dick (or clits if the case may be) just be you; don’t have a ‘holiday’ be your excuse to dress down.  If you feel comfortable dressing a certain way then let you be you.

It’s like people who always have sex in the bedroom and no other room in the house.  Once a month.  In the same position.  In under 20 minutes.

…or less.

Chickies, stop making excuses for wearing th fishnets and micro mini skirt or the ass-less chaps.  If you aren’t comfortable with YOU, you may as well toss in the towel right now.

Whether you go home alone and wash your face of make-up or home with a partner and your “clothes” end up on the floor like a prom dress and you’re face down ass up – dress the way YOU want to dress and do it smartly.

Please.

…and Thank You.

P.S.  On the same note, please ladies be FRIGGIN’ SMART when you’re out.


  • DO NOT Drink beyond comprehension.

Watch you ass because not all your ‘friends’ are good friends.

Pick your Poison

Yes, we know there are 50 different types of drinks on the planet you originated (or wherever city you come from) but here is a list of every possible drink we’ve been asked for while bar tending (regularly):

…and those of you who roll your eyes when we don’t know what something is – RELAX.  Just tell us what’s in it and 10 chance to 1 we can make it happen for you.  No worries…

cocktails

spiffy cocktails

Vodka Martini
Dry Martini
Perfect Martini
Dirty Martini
Gibson
Gin Martini
Manhattan
Rob Roy
Cosmopolitan
Lemon Drop
Apple Martini or Apple-Tini
Adios Mother Fucker (AMF)

7 & Seven
Long Island Ice Tea
Cape Cod (Coder)
Screwdriver
Fuzzy Navel
Sex on the Beach
Bloody Mary
Bay Breeze
Sea Breeze
Madras
Margarita
Cadillac Margarita
Mai Tai
Tom Collins
Joe Collins
Vodka Collins
Greyhound/Salty Dog
Scotch and Soda
Cuba Libre (Rum & Coke)

Mojito
Mimosa
Gin and Tonic
Jack and Coke
Tequila Sunrise
Whiskey and Soda
Old Fashioned (Sweet or Sour)
Whiskey & Water
White Russian
Shirley Temple
Roy Rogers
Arnold Palmer
Tequila Shot
Kamikaze
Knock Me Down and Fuck Me
Surfer on Acid
Wet Pussy
Blowjob
B-52
Jager-bomb
Boiler Maker
Woo Woo
Washington Apple
Reggae Rainbow
So-Co & Lime
Lemon Drop Shot
Strawberry Daiquiri
Margarita
Chi Chi
Strawberry Margarita
Pina Colada