*bam-bam-bam* Excuse me; can I get some service?!?

I want to take this time to say Thank You to my loyal patrons and customers who thoroughly enjoy my cocktails, talking with me, and coming into this establishment.  It’s great to have an adult conversation with an adult and to see your smiling faces when you approach the bar for your favorite relaxing beverage (be it cocktail or mocktail) I appreciate you.

Now having said that; there are those times when the people who come through the door are the complete opposite.

Look, I get it.  I was in my 20’s once; I’ve been there although not to the extent some of you take it.

It’s Friday or Saturday night; you’re with your buddies/girlfriends; and, it’s been a long week.  Time to relax, get ripped or fucked up.  Really, I get it.

I see you. I know you see that I see you.  You’re here EVERY week but you’ve learned nothing.  So let me give you a few hints NYU and UW-Madison college students that will make you better bar customers until you grow and learn how to handle your liquor…

  • You order the SAME beer/drink EVERY week.  You already KNOW the price – so quit asking us “how much is it?” when we bring you all your orders.  It’s $6 and you ordered 5; aren’t you a math major? (So good to see tax dollars at work…)
  • Stop leaving us coinage on the bar without folding money.  If you ordered 5 drinks, $1.50 in quarters left on the bar will definitely ensure you wait an extra 20 for your next drink when you return up to us.
  • *bam-bam-bam*  “Excuse me; can I get some service?!?”  Do we come to your job, scream at you, call you names and slam our hands (repeatedly) on your desk to get your attention?  Then don’t do it here.
  • Eye contact.  If we give it to you and you return it that means you’re ready to order.  You’re ENTIRE party is ready to order and NOBODY has to turn around a scream, “hey Becky, what’d you want again?”
  • Money.  Dinero.  Cheddar.  Whatever you call it, have it ready, waiting and in your hand.  Don’t know how much it costs? Have extra ready just in case.  This what us Bartender don’t understand, you all get angry when we ‘take too long’ but you all do the same damn thing.  We take your order, prepare it, give you a bev nap or coaster and set it in front of you, and only THEN do you decide to dig in your wallet/big ass purse for the cash.
  • When you’re at the drive thru at McDonald’s or Wendy’s or White Castle and you order your food, you proceed to Window #1 to pay and Window #2 for the order.  Same concept applies here.  When your order is taken, give us the full order and when we come back – pay us.  Do NOT proceed to continue to add on drinks when we come back with your order or change – by bar law when people are waiting YOU now have to wait your turn once again.
  • What’s that?  You say you’ve been waiting 15 minutes for a couple of drinks?  Let’s assess the situation…  Did you have your order ready last time?  Were you boisterous and obnoxious about the rail/well drink special you complained wasn’t strong enough?  Did you tip?

Reflect on that…

Last Call

…and I thought nothing was going to happen tonight worth writing about.

We love business.  Any GOOD business.  But; why do people come in at/near closing time, lolly-gagging, order a drink and proceed to nurse it for an hour?

I’m all for sipping good spirits but c’mon.  I mean, really?

It’d be different if you were keeping me here and earning the bar AND I some ends – but no, the three (3) of you are just sitting here, laughing talking about some broad outside while I’m waiting to close up – there are other bars on the block open later.  I just want you to know that.

I know it’s not your fault I have menstrual cramps but I do and I’d REALLY like to go home and that 25 minute train ride is gonna feel like 125 minutes the way I’m feeling right now for every second you all stay here.

Please leave so I can put up the damn bar stools and lock up.

Thank you.

A bird? A plane? No; it’s daddy’s credit card!

This group of people come in once/twice a week and order $50 – 100 worth of food to go, during the BUSIEST time of night.  They pay w. the golden plastic – I will NEVER understand people who NEVER tip for take out orders?  Just because you’re not dining in with us we still did you a service.

People are still working to make sure your order is correct and satisfactory even if you aren’t staying…

What’s up with this?

82, Don’t stiff your bartender or to-go person on a tip just because “they aren’t waiting on me and don’t provide table service”. First of all, yes, they are waiting on you. They took your phone call, wrote your order, transmitted it to the kitchen, boxed up your order and delivered it to you. Second of all, yes this is a “service”, right – it’s just not table service? No, you don’t have to tip the normal 15 – 20% because it’s true that they aren’t providing table service to you. But you should at least tip 5- 10% for the service and convenience that they are providing to you. Just remember that a to-go server is relying on your tips just as much as a table server. If you don’t do the right thing and tip something, eventually you won’t be able to get to-go food because they can’t pay someone minimum wage or less to ring $1500 worth of food and run their asses off for dozens of customers on a decent to-go shift.

[82 is from: http://teleburst.wordpress.com/2009/11/04/top-100-things-that-a-guest-should-try-to-avoid-doing-76-%E2%80%93-100/]

Uh Bartender, my drink has too much flavor

Just when I thought I’d had customers figured out; they say something like:

“Are you sure this is Bud Light?  It seems to have too much flavor…”

I check the tap and re-pour him another, in a tasting glass.  His face scrunches up and he has all FOUR (4) of his friends take a sip.  They think its fine but he says, “yeah, it still tastes funny to me.  It feels like it has too much flavor.  I’ll just have a Corona.”

You can’t make this shit up.

Maybe some people should just drink better beer…

“Are you SURE that’s your name?” or “How did you get into the UW?”

You pick the title of this post…

Scenario…

Sorority girls come into the bar and start talking to one of the male bar tenders. This is pretty much verbatim on how the conversation went:

Bartender: “Good evening ladies; would you like a beverage?”

Sorority Girl(s): “Oh yeah; (he takes their order) HEY what’s YOUR name? You’re cute!”

Bartender: Why thank you; my name’s Roy.”

Sorority Girl(s): “What! Your name can’t be Roy; you’re Asian!”

I rest my case. Good night folks…

Come up and see me sometime

Polishing glasses at the hotel bar Friday night and decided to strike up a conversation with a gentleman at the bar.

He wasn’t alone at first, he sat with a couple co-workers; they sat & tossed back some MGD’s then graduated to Guinness for a couple hours.  Sitting kitty corner from the bar things slowed down and his friends decided to retire to their rooms respectively and he approached the railing.

We chit chatted about his work, stout beer,  red wine and …women’s stockings and heels.

Uhm, yes.  I love my job, people tell me things they won’t even tell their own shrink.  He (was VERY easy on the eyes I must mention) enjoys seeing a woman walk, sit, cross and un-cross her legs in various stockings with a pull on garter.  Whenever he dates women he feels he has to wait FOREVER to ask them to do/wear this for him.

“There’s an easier, simpler way to see this without having to pay for 10 dinners and waiting weeks hon” I say.  He looks up from his brew and mouths the words “oh” but they don’t escape his lips.

“Oh sure” I say.  “It’ll run you maybe 1-2 dinners, but, without the food.”  Long story short, I told him “it’s 2009 and if you want something bad enough they’ll be someone there to provide it for you.”  I gave him the number of a friend of a friend I know that could hook him up with just such a request and after talking him off the ledge he agreed to take the number and went on his way.

Fast Forward two days – -I come into work today and the front desk has an envelope for me; I take it in back as I toss my stuff in a locker and opened it.  “Thank you!” it said.  As I opened it I’m thinking, who I helped.

The note was blank, except for a set of initials, a $20 bill and the words “thanks for the ‘tip’, here’s one for you…”

Alright now; time to bend over and grab your ankles

The suits came in last night – ordered their Spotted cows & dirty martini’s and talked about whatever they talk about. Fast forward to drink #3, things got interesting (and louder); it got to the point of lower & middle class people who are “in trouble” in this economy. They basically called them all lazy – unbelievable.  Well kinda.

While there will also be exceptions to every rule, their whole approach to how these “lazy people” live their lives was eyebrow raising.  Especially since these were trust funds babies who act like they’ve never even wiped their own brow without help from ‘the help.’

“If those people would just pay their bills on time we wouldn’t be in this mess.  People are just going to have to hunker down and put a bit more elbow grease into the lively hoods of themselves & their families.  Obama’s going to have the whole damn country on section 8 & food stamps…”

Umm, come again?  Not all middle class people are irresponsible breeders, just like all rich or wealthy persons aren’t pretentious assholes.   People usually do what they have to do to get by; it just depends on their route and what they’re capable of and what they feel comfortable with.

Example, a couple of friends that I went to college with:  The one that lives in Chicago has two teenagers and is a widow.  The one that lives on Long Island is a make-up artist and lives with his two 2 cousins in a house.
Now, both of these people worked at their chosen profession with their degree until they were laid off.  One is working through temp agencies and bartending at a gentlemans club and one is working as a cashier and moonlighting as an escort through a long time agency.  After some time they’re making it work and are doing quite well for themselves and their familes.  Why?  Because – you do what you have to do when you have to do it.  When you owe money for things the collector on the other end doesn’t care WHAT you have going on; they want their money.  Doesn’t mean it has to be long term but, bills still gotta be paid, people need to eat, toilet paper and sanitary napkins still have to be bought, kids have camp/school trips that need your attention and gas still has to be put in the car (or your MetroCard has to be loaded…) among other things.

So let’s weigh a couple options using the suits from today’s logic/way of thinking.

  1. Stop trying to work altogether, get on public assistance until something better comes along.
  2. Continue to hustle on their own on the daily grind, pulling themselves up by their own bootstraps making it work without handouts.
  3. Sit in the house and starve/give up while life goes on around them.
  4. Grand larceny, start mugging people and pulling off stick-ups.

Do people know their are individuals who used to make (beaucoup) ‘Boo-Coo’ bucks now looking and applying for ‘jobs’ that pay only $30 – 45K vs. $200K+?

Most of these people had a great job, college or no college, and made a decent living not bothering anyone or asking for anything.  “The times, they are -a- changin'” and it ain’t pretty.  Some things aren’t going to change.  People are always going to be willing to pay for things.  Things like fucking, drinking, housing, food, even water.  Just like other people will never know what it’s like to walk in another persons shoes.  Not everybody has it all, nor would most want it IMHO; a lot of workers are taken for granted: housekeepers, bank tellers, teachers, day care workers, the guy that fixes the copier, the person that makes your sandwich at the sub place, hell, maybe even your bartender.

What would you do without them?  Who would you talk about then?  Only time will tell.

I love my line of work.  Take care.

I leave you with this little quote:

“Business bad? Fuck you, pay me. Oh, you had a fire? Fuck you, pay me. Place got hit by lightning huh? Fuck you, pay me.” – Henry Hill, Goodfellas (1990)

14 +1 uses for true russian vodka

Got this in my in box and thought I’d share; sounds interesting although I must say “try any of these at your own risk…”

Enjoy the reading!

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The Solvent dissolves adhesive.

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a Trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five Minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting Your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfectsthe blade and prevents rusting.

5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.

6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.

9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.

10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal t he lid tightly and set in the Sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.

11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.

13. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil oil from your skin.

15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth.
Allow your gum’s to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

Things that make you want to punch people in the face…

…Since I’ve been away I felt this would make people laugh and de-stress their Monday at work.  Please Enjoy.

  • Women w/ too tight stretch pants and show a camel toe so outrageous it should really be called a “Mooseknuckle.”
  • People in line for 20 mins and don’t have their order ready and their money out; I mean my gawd – how many times have I seen you here at ____________________ (insert deli/bodega/restaurant name here).
  • You are not wearing a hard hat. There are no construction Foremans looking for YOU. If you had an important job to do somewhere, you wouldn’t be here annoying me and everybody else. Get OFF the damn walkie-talkie inspired phone. Dumbass…
  • Women at the bar who smile in your face and talk about you (in spanish) once they’ve given their drink order and then turn red with embarrassment and fright when you give them their change back while asking them (in spanish) if they’d like anything else… {Actually I kinda like this; it’s funny to me…}
  • One word: Crocs.
  • Hypersensitive people that act like if you tell them the truth about something that has to be said you’re a son of a bitch. Chill the fuck out.  It is NOT that serious.
  • Irresponsible breeders (of the human kind…)
  • People in front of me online at the coffee shop that don’t know what the hell they want.  It’s coffee.  You’re in your 30’s; is this your first day on planet earth?  Get your coffee and get the *F* outta my way. Please.
  • People who talk about REALLY personal stuff on line @ places.
  • Chicken-headed-hoodrats with annoying RADIO ringtones. You don’t have money for a POST paid phone but you have $$$ for ringtones? Really?
  • Chronic Misspellings.
  • Women who spend money on their hair and nails and their children look like refugees from some 3rd world country. Get your priorities straight, douche bag.
  • People who turn into Phone DJs on the train/on line. No one asked you to play that 30 second blip of Lady Ga-Ga and Mr. 305 over and over and OVER again. Asshole.
  • People who don’t wash their hands in the bathroom and then look at me in horror as they get ready to leave the restroom as I say; “um, aren’t you forgetting something?…”
  • People who just want to add me to invite me to events and NEVER once send me a “Hello!” or anything of substance.
  • Fucked up french fries; you’re fired!
  • Women who wear open toed heels and they have jacked up feet and crusty heels.
  • Chronic name droppers who have to mention who they know in some city/music group/etc or elsewhere for that matter.
  • Miley Cyrus & the Jonas brothers gear/commercials
  • Co-workers who are the last to arrive to help set up the bar and the first ones to count their tip jar, barely clean up and one of the first ones to bounce. You tend bar, although not very good, you CAN NOT leave when the crowd leaves. Dumbass douche bag.
  • People who can cuss like a sailor but the words “please” and “thank you” are no where to be found in their vocab…
  • People with horrendous B.O. and bad breath that insist on trying to come right up on you for an up close and personal conversation.
  • People who grunt at the gym although not lifting much. People who do more walking/gawking around the gym than working out. If you had sweat in your eyes maybe you’d do what you were here to do…
  • Fake Bitches of the male & female variety.
  • Vegetarians who try to make me feel bad for enjoying a big ass tasty hamburger. Get over yourself.
  • Women at the bar who give me an attitude due to my “youthful” appearance. I know how to make your White Russian, I’m over 21; and if you were a real woman with your own bread, you wouldn’t have to wait for this guido next to you to buy you a drink…
  • Women who don’t wash; if I can smell your p***y from BEHIND the bar… HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM! You are burning my nose hairs and making my patrons uncomfortable. Weren’t you taught any better? Go wash your snatch before coming in here…
  • People who say to me, “you’re putting ketchup on THAT?” (Eggs, mac-n-cheese, etc.) Go fuck yourself and get away from my plate.

These are my opinions. Short or long, feel free to add your own here. Please.  Thank you.